We Are Only Ever in a Relationship With Ourselves

We often refer to our relationships as “my relationship”—not because we own or control them, but because this reflects a deeper truth: our experience of any relationship is simply a mirror of the one we have with ourselves. In reality, a relationship exists between two people, yet each person within it is having their own unique experience.

We Are Only Ever in a Relationship with Ourselves

While it may seem like we are sharing a single experience with another person, the truth is, we are only ever relating to our own perceptions, emotions, and interpretations. The way I experience a relationship is shaped entirely by my inner world—my thoughts, wounds, beliefs, and self-perception. Meanwhile, the other person is having their own experience, one that is filtered through their own internal landscape.

What this means is that I’m not really in a relationship with another person—I’m in a relationship with myself, in their presence. This is why two people can be in the same situation but experience it completely differently. It’s why one person might feel deeply loved while the other feels distant or uncertain. The relationship we have with ourselves determines the reality we perceive with others.

Your Relationship Is a Reflection of You

What determines the kind of relationship I experience? It isn’t the other person. It’s the relationship I have with myself.

How I love, how I trust, how I set boundaries, how I handle conflict—these are all rooted in me, not in the other person. If I carry self-doubt, I’ll doubt my partner. If I don’t communicate honestly with myself, I won’t communicate honestly with them. If I don’t feel worthy of love, I’ll struggle to receive it, no matter how much they offer.

This is why, if I want something to change in my relationship, it’s my responsibility to change it within me first.

How Change Begins Within

Yes, we can communicate with our partner. We can share our feelings, desires, and boundaries—but ultimately, if we want transformation, we must start with ourselves.

Here’s how:

• Self-Reflection: What patterns am I bringing into this relationship? What beliefs do I hold about love, trust, and connection?

• Emotional Awareness: Am I projecting my fears onto my partner? Am I expecting them to meet needs I haven’t met within myself?

• Taking Responsibility: Instead of waiting for the other person to change, how can I shift my energy, mindset, or approach?

Relationships Are Not Shared Experiences—They Are Parallel Ones

Even in the deepest, most intimate connections, two people are never having the same experience. We see the world through the lens of our own consciousness. When we accept this, we stop trying to change others to feel better—we turn inward, where the real transformation happens.

When we truly understand that we are only ever in a relationship with ourselves, we stop looking to another person to complete us or fix our emotions. Instead, we focus on healing, growing, and becoming the kind of person who naturally attracts the love and connection we desire.

So, if you want a different kind of relationship, start with the one that matters most: the one you have with yourself. Change that, and everything else will follow.

To dive deeper into a relationship with yourself, check out our classes at